Sometimes, these words are all I have.
I'm a stranger with a mysterious past.
And I laugh and laugh at how long I've lasted,
how I've managed to rack up
so many romances,
so many last chances.

So save the last dance for this half-man, half-phantasm.
I'm the ghost that wanders the halls at the ball,
and when all the lights go out
I scrawl these words on the wall:

Sometimes, these words are all I have.

There is an hourglass on an altar in my room.  It was a gift from two very dear friends of mine.  I use it occasionally when I'm doing something important, but not to tell time.  It's more like a talisman, or an amulet that focuses the energy on the dim fringes of my awareness.  I turn it over, and then forget about it.  The sands build up at the bottom, and the dust collects on the top.  It suits me, and my friends knew it when they bought it, but I don't think they knew why.

Lo!  Behold!  Life is an All-Seeing Eye
gazing inward on Itself.
An iris dilates from the light,
And the broken mirrors in Hell
Reflect a beautiful Lucifer back at the stargazers
Ages after he fell.

I finish what I start.
Hear the loud cries of the town guard:
It's midnight, and all is well!

I know, I know.  My birthday is coming up.  I'll be twenty-five years old, a quarter of a century.  I'll be a perfect square, I'll add up to seven.  Sand builds up at the bottom, dust collects on the top.  I've reached a point in my life where many cycles are converging and completing in harmony with one another.  And yet, I'm creating so much dissonance against them.  I feel like I'm riding a massive tide of events with many different points of origin.

I feel like I'm baptized by it.  I feel like I'm drowning in it.

1.  Josie and I are getting married on July 7th.  I can't express the impact of this right now, and that's not what this post is about.  Suffice it to say that this will easily be the most significant event of my life to date.  Processing it all is exhausting.  Making the experience a reality is taxing.  Although this single ceremonial act is receiving most of my energy and thought, it doesn't seem like I have enough to give.  I feel very fortunate to have a peaceful and patient partner in all of this.

2.  I'm testing for my black belt on May 19th.  I've been training for five years.  I've learned so much, and still this test makes me feel small and unprepared.  I haven't had enough time at the school lately, and I pray that what little time I have left will be sufficient.  I'm concerned that my inconsistency in training will affect the other members of my black belt group, because I'm usually the one leading them during our workouts.  I'm trying to connect with the ferocity and intensity I had before the simulation test, but the din and clamor of these other concerns keeps drowning it out.  Hopefully I can turn the pressure into presence.

3.  I'm graduating on May 10th.  I'll get my Associate of Science degree from Brookhaven after several years of easing back into school.  I currently have a 4.0 GPA and expect to graduate with one.  The faculty at Brookhaven asked me to give a speech at the commencement ceremony: a five-minute piece about my experience at the college.  I was asked because of my academic performance and the presentations I gave in Communications class.  I get to sit onstage, and my name will be in the playbill.  It is quite an honor.  But the added responsibility and preparation is pushing me closer to the edge.  This is coupled with some recent concerns that my remaining classes are dropping into the low 90s.  The heat is on.

4.  I have to make a significant career choice by the end of the week.  I need to decide if I'm staying with Mad Science through the summer, or if I'm going to pursue other opportunities.  If I choose the latter, I will have to be hired at a new job by mid-May.  If I choose the former, the summer is going to be difficult and funds will be sparse.  May is going to be a very financially trying month regardless.

5.  Our lease is up on June 30th.  We have started looking at places, and we're talking to Jeremy about possibly moving in with him mid-June.  A lot of these decisions are conditional, and staying in our current apartment is still an option.  Unfortunately, we have to give a 60-day notice if we aren't going to renew our lease, and the decision hinges on my employment, among other factors.

6.  My friends are having hard times.  This pains me greatly.  I'm doing my best to be there for them, and I hope that my high level of stress and duress isn't showing too much, or limiting me in that capacity.  This unfolding event has brought some of us closer together and pushed some of us farther apart, and that's the way of things.  I love you all, I want you to know that.  I love you all, but in different ways.

7.  I'm having lots of tiny revelations.  I became a Master Mason, and will be turning in my proficiency next week.  I've been working on my website.  I've been hearing melodies in my head, and poetry is occurring to me.  I'm becoming more caring and considerate.  The little things add up, I think.  I want to get lost in the details sometimes.  But I don't think the big stuff will wait.

It would surprise me if anyone has read this far.  The sand has gathered at the bottom.  Dust is collecting on the top.

Time has tied me up.  I am bound to follow, wherever it may roam.